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User blog:Octopus Garden/Octopus Garden's Reviews
Hi everyone! I haven't written much yet but I do want to read some more of the great fanons on this website, so I will be starting a review blog. I'm just doing this so I can keep track of my thoughts on the different fanons I read and it will also give me an incentive to read more fanons. I will start with the Featured Fanons and then I will do requested stories. I will rank stories from F to A+. Nothing fancy about it! Depiction in Red Pros *This fanon takes a serious look at a character who's usually just seen as comic relief. I like the deeper, emotional aspect this fanon takes on an otherwise two-dimensional character. *Beautiful writing. The writing is detailed, sensory, and gives a very romanticized view of something as morbid as cutting. The writing is at its peak with lines like "the slight coppery tang slid across her taste buds like the rarest of delicacies". *The contrast between ChiChi's emotional life and her maternal life is fascinating, really, and it shows a great deal about her character through a very simplistic exchange. It's the ability to show rather than tell that defines this story. Cons *The story should have focussed a bit more on ChiChi's reasoning behind cutting herself rather than the cutting itself. That's where the angst should've come from, not from the gore and the razorblade. *The dialog between Gohan and ChiChi feels a bit rushed. It doesn't seem like ChiChi to just leave like that, and it would have helped for them to have a complete conversation that led to Gohan's closing sentiments. Brief Summary: Depiction in Red is a masterfully written story that displays a very morbid act in a beautiful way. It shows strong characterization and powerful storytelling abilities. However, had the author fleshed out ChiChi's emotions more so than just her actions, it would have brought the story to a whole new level. Rating: A Dragon Ball Z: In Requiem Pros *Although this pro is not too relevant, the opening poem was excellent, even if you didn't write it. *Beautiful, crystal clear writing. Everything is written just perfectly; it flows well and the mechanics are fantastic. the grammar, spelling, vocabulary, it all just seems perfect. *Taking Buu's power away worked really well as a plot point. It's one of those plots that's both original and makes sense, and that's not too easy to find in Dragon Ball Fanon. *The way that Buu's character changes so dynamically is really great. It's an interesting character analysis to take away a character's primary trait (power) and show how he acts without it. *The whole part with the candy store, inluding the part where Buu threw a cake at Buu, was fantastic. It was a nice piece of character development and I really enjoyed the whole idea. Not every person would put in a part like that, and it was great that you did. *The relationship between Baba and Uub was nice to explore. Two completely unrelated characters being put together brought forth very nice results. *The whole part where Buu absorbed Uub was particularly excellently written. *Having Babidi resurge was a nice resolution to the story. *The poem at the end, in the shortest of words, served as an excellent example of what one can do with the english language. It is a brilliant piece of art. Cons *You could have spent a few less paragraphs going over what happened in the finale and maybe given a bit more time to the new story. That would have been a tiny bit better. *"Babidi mouth agape, eyes tearing up, sputtered about." - I think there should be a comma after Babidi, so it would read "Babidi, mouth agape, eyes tearing up, sputtered about." *I'm not totally sure why the other villains of hell decided to attack Buu like that. *I don't understand why Baba would show Uub to Buu, especially since you imply that Yemma forbid her for doing so. There's no way it would yield a real upside to her. *The amount of time that passes between chapters 2 and 3 could be clearer. I understand that it was a few years, because Goku meets Uub, but that could have been slightly clearer. I also don't see why Baba would only come visit Buu several years later. *I still don't get why Yemma needed anyone to go down to hell. Also, "Powerful and hideous though they may be, any resident’s attempt at harm a living person would be a fruitless jest." - "harm" should be "harming". *"Many where there, Cell, Gero, Piccolo and even Frieza the cruel." - "where" should be "were" *"What happened to Baba? And Buu? Where did they go?”spoke up Yemma, sternly." - there should be a space after the quotation mark *Perhaps I am forgetting someone, but you say a half dozen formed around Buu, when you only tell of five - Vegeta, Gohan, Trunks, Goten, and the unnamed Saiyan. *Now that I've read further, I realize that it was Piccolo, but you didn't mention that he was there earlier. Closing Comments: I, sad to say, didn't have enough to say about In Requiem. My cons were rather small and I think that the story is perhaps one of the best fanons out there. I truly enjoyed it and think that it was an excellently written, brilliantly plotted fanon. It is truly a fantastic piece of writing. Rating: A+ Tien: Origins Pros *Well written. The vocabulary is well placed and the grammar and spelling are good. *A good hook and a good beginning in general. It's an interesting way to start out the story, what with Shen showing up to explain Tien's origin. It flows well enough. *Description is good. Everything is shown pretty vividly and sensory imaging is good. *I like how you switched between different types of writing. It flows well enough. *The humor sprinkled throughout the story works pretty well. It's a nice touch. *Yamcha's long, lovesick monologues about Bulma is rather funny and works well enough as a plot point. It's also quite funny. *The discourse between Yamcha and Tien is spectacular. The personality contrast is fantastic. *Kordar's character works well. He has a good bit of character to him and his dialogue is colorful. *Plot flows along very well. Nothing seems contrived/pointless, and it moves along quickly and very well. *I enjoyed the poem in the fourth chapter. Well written. *I like how scarcely you used fanon characters in the story. Most of the characters are canon, and those that are fanon are well established and colored in, so to speak. *The scope of the final battle is fantastic. It's really impressive, how apt Destructivedisk was at describing such a large fight scene. *The fight scenes are fantastic! I really like how well executed and detailed, and it really concludes the story well. *Overall, the story really picks up near the end. The final scene is one of the best I have ever read, and Tien's noble sacrifice makes the story that much more gratifying. The final scene basically makes the entire story more readable. *While it's far from perfect, the final poem is satisfying and pretty well written. Cons *Sentences tend to be a bit long/awkwardly worded. Sentences like "He trained to make his students kill, which is what he did precisely when it came time to train Tien and Chaozu." are a bit hard to read. *Dialogue is far from the best. Tien speaks far too elegantly, and Master Shen speaks a bit too wordily. *Tien's dialogue is just off in entirety. *Some of the adjectives seem out of place, such as "preposterously deafening". *Occasional grammar mistakes, like " Upon turning their heads in the direction of the disturbance, they it to be their ticket off the planet; a spaceship." I still understand what you mean, but they do come up occasionally. *Yamcha's monologue is inconsistent. Some parts are good for a drunken man, and other parts are too elegant. *If you are going to show the perspectives of different characters, it would make sense to have shown Shen's perspective. That would have been really helpful to setting up the story's premise. *There should have been an explanation for Yamcha to join Kordar's army. *The themes of discrimination are a bit too overt. Kordar talks about Thricers being weak a bit too often. *The conversation between Tien, Yamcha, and Kordar had no real conclusion to it. You should have finished the sequence and provided a proper ending to their jaw session. *Chiaotzu was a bit too eager too fight. That was rather out of character for him. *There's a few inconsistencies in the story; notably, you mention that at one point that Saiyans were stronger than Bekks, but you later say that the two are equal. Secondly, you mention that Chiaotzu inspired Saiyan inspired Saiyan religion for hundreds of years, but earlier you stated that they were sent only 100 years into the past. *The fight between Jimac and Yamcha should have been more detailed. I mean, it worked fine as it was, but it could have been longer or more detailed and that would have made it better. *The transformation to Super Saiyan is one of the worst I have seen before. I mean, it had no purpose to it whatsoever. I know that you were referencing the what-if sequence between Yajirobe and Vegeta, but it still came out of virtually nowhere. *I'm guessing that you meant to put the story 1000 years in the past? It was confusing, because you wrote 100 way earlier. That really needs to be fixed. *Some of the rhyming in the concluding poem seems forced. Closing Comments: This story pulls off a lot of things very well that I wouldn't have expected to work. The crossover is fantastic and the time travel is just fantastically pulled off. The whole idea of Tien fighting the Original Super Saiyan, only for Yamcha to take a baby Tien to Shen's place is just great, what with the cyclical nature of Tien's life being explained very well. I also like the irony about Tien giving himself the third eye. However, a few aspects of the story just didn't work. The dialogue and characterization was shoddy at parts and the Super Saiyan transformation was just bad. Overall, though, Tien: Origins is a story that quickly and swiftly tells an epic story with only a few problems along the way. It is, along with In Requiem, one of my favorite fanons. Rating: A+ To Be Reviewed (in order of importance) *A Front *Dragon Ball Z: The Forgotten *Days of Pain *Bardock the King *Dragon Ball Z: The Lost Book *Tamera Category:Blog posts